If You Don’t Go

Transparently, I did not feel motivated to write this week’s devotional. Not because of physical tiredness, feeling sleepy, laziness or fatigue. But rather this sense of unworthiness. Intellectually, I am aware that because I am hidden in Christ, I am in fact worthy. But why did I feel so unworthy? I am not quite sure. However, me being vulnerable before you is necessary, for the sake of informing your heart that if you’ve felt or currently feel unworthy, discouraged or downcast; you are not alone. That even I, the very person who sets out to encourage you weekly, am not so far removed from feelings that get us down. For me, it was feelings of unworthiness, incapability and discouragement in leading God’s flock. Week after week. Devotional after devotional. Prayer calls. Bible Studies. And daily, living a life that reflects Jesus. I thought, “How could I possibly do this, -lead His daughters forever, while still ridding out the contaminations of my own heart?” “How could I keep God on the throne of my heart, without ever falling into pride or distraction?” “How could I regard Jesus as my first love and keep my relationship with Him flourishing, forever?” 

Though I attempted to express these feelings of unworthiness aloud to God; He encouraged me to just let my tears do the talking. So I remained quiet. As I did, He ministered to me through songs and He spoke to my heart, informing me to rest in Him. It is His very strength, power and encouragement that led me to compose these words, despite my feelings. And it is this type of communion and relationship with the Lord that I never want to lose. The thought of it, burdens me. The thought of any believer, especially you, being void of closeness with Jesus, burdens me too. We desperately need Him. 

These not so cute feelings, allowed me to understand the heart of Moses during his encounter with the Lord in Exodus 33.

13 If it is true that You look favorably on me, let me know Your ways so I may understand You more fully and continue to enjoy your favor. And remember that this nation is Your very own people.”

14 The Lord replied, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.”

15 Then Moses said, “If You don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place…”

In this same chapter of Exodus, scripture reveals that “the Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend.” And yet, he longed for more of God. Moses, being the leader of God’s people did not long for more things or to attain more of an intellectual knowledge of God so that he could seem wise. Moses wanted to intimately know God. More and more. And not only for his own sake. But for an entire nation of people. 

Wanting more of God isn’t selfish, but a posture of humility. The disparity doesn’t always feel good and at times He feels distant, but He isn’t. We can know this from the truth found in verse 14, when the Lord affirms, “I will personally go with you, Moses, and I will give you rest—everything will be fine for you.” I find it interesting that with all the responsibilities charged to Moses in leading the people of God; the Lord still encourages Moses that along with His immediate presence, He’d also grant Moses rest. Not just any rest, but the peace which stems from being with Him and trusting Him. We can know that this refreshing rest of the Lord, wasn’t only for Moses. Because He spoke the same sentiment to me. And He is offering that same rest found in His presence, to you. No matter what sphere of leadership you’re in. Motherhood. Advising a friend in the right direction. Being a light to your coworkers. Wifey-hood. Influencing your family. Leadership isn’t limited to a platform. And rest in God isn’t limited to Moses. 

In His presence; the concerns of our hearts, strongholds in our minds and burdens of life; cannot withstand His peace and His truth which affirms, “Everything will be fine for you.” Exodus 33:14

But Moses’s response in verse 15 helps us to see that when we are desperate for God’s intervention, His presence, and His ways; even a friend of God experienced these same feelings. However, he did not stay there. Instead, Moses’s feelings led him to ask God of an increased heart knowledge of Him. He didn’t seek lesser things to help him attain success in his calling. He sought the ways of the One Who called him in the first place. Discouragement, insecurity and unworthiness leads us to the One Who provides security. Vulnerability makes us feel so weak but I’m convinced that this isn’t always horrible. Coming to the end of ourselves is coming to the beginning of God. Melancholy leads us to consider that if He is not in it, how could we possibly do anything?  It apprises our hearts just how much we need God Almighty. In every single realm of our lives. 

Moses, having already received the promise of God’s presence and rest, still didn’t rest. Not in a disobedient way, rather a desperate posture. An awareness of not only his need but the nation’s great need for God as well. So much that he would not even dare move without Yahweh. Verse 15 exposes Moses’s heart as he continues to petition, “If you don’t personally go with us, don’t make us leave this place…”

Moses’s spoken desire wasn’t for God to lead them to the promised place. He didn’t even ask how they would attain the promise. He craved the presence of Promise Keeper. This is so profound to me. Moses was not always a confident individual. In fact, the word informs us of his stuttering problem which almost caused him to reject the calling over his life. But God uses him in spite of his imperfections, to lead and save an entire nation of God’s chosen people. Apparently, God does not need our permission to use whomever He chooses. He patiently develops those who He calls and uses our weaknesses in greater capacities than we could ever reach in our own strength. Overtime, Moses establishes both a great dependency on God and an ever-growing relationship with the Great I Am. A relationship that developed him into a man who maintained dependency while also being bold enough to request God’s presence… Numerous times.

Sis, I’m not sure what areas you may feel discouraged or unworthy in, but God does. However, what I can tell you is that you’re not any less of a woman nor any less of a believer because of it. As a matter of fact, His word calls us worthy and prized possessions. Your incapabilities do not disqualify you from that which God has entrusted to you. The vulnerability and dependency we often try hide or avoid is actually what qualifies you to receive God’s presence -when you bring it to Him. Your weakness makes way for His strength. But I do want to challenge you to assess your innermost desires. May we determine like Moses, to desire the ways and presence of the Lord so much that without Him, we will not move. May we be women who neglect to be led by our feelings and alternatively accept the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Rest assured, that as we seek the Lord, every answer to our uncertainties will be discovered in Him. And as we allow our frailty to lead us into a deeper longing for Him, may His response be that of verse 17, “I will indeed do what you have asked, for I look favorably on you, and I know you by name.” 

Let’s pray:

Abba, Father we thank You for Your holy Word that breathes life into our souls. Forgive us for the times, we’ve believed that which is contrary to what You’ve said regarding us. We reject every lie we’ve believed. Even in our weakness, we pray the sentiments of Moses. Let us know your ways so we may understand you more fully and continue to enjoy your favor. And remember that we are Your very own people. God, if you don’t personally go with us, we don’t want to go. For it is Your presence that sets us apart and makes all the difference. So be with us and let us be with You. 

In Jesus’s Mighty name, amen.